Section 9: Facing the future now
Hailey's nightmare...or dream come true?
This is section 9 of The Other Side of the Ocean. You can also start at section 1 , go back to section 8 or continue to section 10.
I try to think of something to do or say. My brain produces no thoughts.
One of the guilty students has their eyes glued to Almira. “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize, we were just saying Ms. Fortier—”
My mouth suddenly starts moving.
“You were questioning Ms. Fortier’s ability to help someone. Well, I can tell you that our school is lucky to have her.” I point towards her office behind us. “When I started having panic attacks, Ms. Fortier was there for me. When I didn’t know how to cope, Ms. Fortier was there for me. If I were to email her right now and ask for an emergency session on Monday as a result of all this, I know she’d be there for me.” I let the defensiveness disappear from my voice and take a gentle step forward. “And if you, for any reason, want or need support, I know Ms. Fortier would help you too.”
The speech comes out of me in a rush, and instead of breaking down into total panic, I feel relief and gratitude as every heavy, angry emotion is swept out of me along with my words.
Total disconnect from reality. I feel calm, instead of panicked. I know everyone is staring at me, and no one says a word, and a beat goes by, and then another, and it’s silent, except for the actual beat of my heart—which is not speeding up.
The sight of all my peers grows blurry and fuzzy, fading into the background as I see with clarity now that I’ve been avoiding so much, been afraid to face the postsecondary future so much, that I’ve been hiding. But what I’ve been hiding from hasn’t gone anywhere except to come closer as we head towards graduation, and I’ve been suffering physically and mentally because I’ve chosen not to face it.
As if that wasn’t enough, I hid the fact that I needed help—hid it from everyone until I was forced to show it in the form of heart-racing episodes to my parents, in a decision I made recently to confide in Almira weeks after I actually wanted (and needed) to, and in this unexpected choice to announce all of this here today. I made it harder on myself by thinking I had to hide anything at all.
And now I’m free.
I look at Almira, who’s staring at me. She mouths, “Are you okay?” and I think of how it helped me so much to share with Ms. Fortier and to share with Almira and, now, to share with the school.
Before I can tell her yes, I’m more okay than I’ve been in a long time, both of the students who had been talking about me nod, and say things I never could have guessed.
“That’s cool.”
“Good on you for sharing, bud.”
And then more voices rise from the crowd, more people respond supportively.
One voice booms louder than the others. “I see Ms. Fortier too, for self-esteem and anxiety, and I agree with Hailey that she is amazing.”
My gaze is locked on Sandra as she finishes her sentence. She looks at me with confidence in her voice and a panic in her eyes that subsides as I nod reassuringly.
Almira’s voice is loud again. “I haven’t been to see Ms. Fortier, but I agree that we’re lucky we have options for getting support—for everyone! That’s why, after today, I’m going to start talking to her too.”
After our testimonies, so many voices start piping up that it becomes impossible to hear them all, but the communal tone rings through the voices clamouring louder—they’re being supportive.
I look at Almira on my right, Sandra to my left, and I start laughing. The three of us move forward and pull each other close in a group hug.
My major is undeclared but I know that I feel majorly better right now, and that is a good direction to be heading in.
Dear readers, this is such a huge deal for Hailey! Thank you for supporting her, too, along this journey.
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